The GiveForward Blog Presents: Glib Snore-Words, Dawg (Volume 1)

At the ill-advised request of GiveForward Co-founders Desiree Vargas Wrigley and Ethan Austin, I will now be making a semi-regular post on this blog that has a little more to do with things that make me laugh, and a little less to do with things like online fundraising for medical costs (or any other reason you would come to this site).

As foolish as they may be for letting me loose like this, lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how smart Desiree and Ethan are for starting GiveForward. And I’m not just saying that because I work for them. Actually, if I may get real for a second, I’m an unpaid intern, so if anything, I should be disparaging them for not paying me to do such amazing work. I mean have y’all seen the way I made all the interns wear fake mustaches?

I do these types of things for free because I love it here, and I think the idea behind GiveForward is a great one. So great, in fact, that it inspired me to try brainstorming ideas for an ingenious website of my own. A site that could change the way things are done in the world and make an impact in people’s lives. A site that could land me in an incubator program next summer. A site that could eventually be sold for millions of dollars, thus enabling me to pursue comedy in Chicago whilst avoiding the need to get a “real job” AND continuing to live indoors/eat occasionally.

Here’s the deal: I will never be the creator of such a site. I racked my brain for a week, came up with nothing remotely promising, and realized that this is just not the type of idea that I am capable of generating. I previously joked that the guy who runs RetireAt21.com should partner up with me in starting LonelyAt22.com, and I honestly think that’s a better idea than all the ones I had when sincerely brainstorming. The week wasn’t a total waste, though. Some of my ideas were so comically flawed that they led me to write this, the inaugural “GiveForward Blog Presents: Glib Snore-Words, Dawg” post. So, in no particular order, I present to you three of my worst ideas for a website:

Site Name: TeraBiteToofCare
Concept: Users with a high-speed internet connection and a web cam can receive dental consultations and step-by-step walkthroughs of how to handle any problems they may have, all from the comfort of their own home (or internet café).
Why Not: What do you mean why not? Your web cam would get all wet, first of all. Secondly, no dentists would ever agree to this; the whole joy of their job is physically inflicting pain on each patient, so this would do nothing for them. Third, we’ve all seen Cast Away and we know better than to even think about treating our own cavities.

Site Name: ThoughtDumpster
Concept: Sometimes, your mind is racing and you feel like you need to just unload your thoughts somewhere, no matter how uninteresting they are. Well, this is a place where you can dump all of your ideas that don’t matter and no one will actually care.
Why Not: Twitter and blogs already exist.

Site Name: WheresMyBlank
Concept: A search engine that tells the messy, the forgetful, the drunk, and all the rest exactly where they left whatever it is that they can’t find. Cell phone, keys, small child, dignity, you name it — WheresMyBlank locates it all.
Why Not: For the sake of not sounding like a conspiracy theorist who gripes about what Big Brother is up to, I’m gonna operate under the assumption that we don’t have this type of technology just yet. If we did though, this idea would be a gold mine. (Please note that I’m also operating under the assumption that the site’s users could find their computers).